#210: How to Overcome Negative Self-Talk

Do you need strategies for how to overcome negative self-talk?

Today I’ve got my dear friend, and successful entrepreneur, Laura Fuentes, back on the show to give you a behind-the-scenes look at our actual friendship—how we help each other grow as people and entrepreneurs.

If you don’t have a “business buddy,” I recommend you find one.

We talk about how easy it is to fall into self-doubt as an entrepreneur, and how we need to surround ourselves with people who see our “special sauce” and can continue to remind ourselves of it.

We talk about how we (especially as women) discount what we know, how we need to put ourselves out there even even when it’s uncomfortable, how we need to sound “salesy” to rise about the noise (the horror!), and how we all feel like we don’t measure up, even when we are successful.

The main message of this episode is we all need to figure it out as we go! We need to just get in there and start “making”!

I hope you listen to this episode and realize we all have these self-sabotaging thoughts. But there are way we can still push forward and build the businesses and the lives we want!

Reach out and let me know what you think of this episode and if you’d like more like them. And thanks, Laura, for your honestly and friendship, as always!

Show Notes:

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Intro 0:04
Welcome to the Blogger Genius Podcast brought to you by MiloTree. Here’s your host, Jillian Leslie.

Jillian Leslie 0:11
Hello, my friends. Welcome back to the Blogger Genius Podcast. I’m your host, Jillian Leslie. And I’m so happy you are here.

Today I have my very good friend Laura Fuentes back on the show; this will be the fifth episode I have released with her.

And in this episode, you’ll get to see some behind the scenes of how we really are friends in real life and how we help each other with our business building.

Now before I launch in, because I am talking about business building, please go grab my cheat sheet of the 5 Secrets Successful Entrepreneurs Already Know. I interview lots of successful entrepreneurs, and they all have these five things in common.

So, head to milotree.com/secrets and see which of these you might need to add to grow your income. Again, head to milotree.com/secrets to grab your free copy.

This episode came out of a conversation Laura and I had less than a week ago and I was talking about the importance of online entrepreneurs selling directly to their audiences, and how we’re trying to solve that by building MiloTree Easy Payments.

And Laura said, “No, you’re missing an even more important piece.” And I said, “What are we missing?”

How to Overcome Negative Self-Talk

And she said, “Helping entrepreneurs deal with the negative self-talk, where we psych ourselves out where we don’t really value ourselves and all that we contribute and all that we know.”

And that is a really neglected piece. And it’s something I think we all struggle with. So in this episode, Laura and I talk very honestly, about our own struggles with self-sabotage, negative thinking, and how we try to move beyond it, or at least not let it paralyze us.

I think you’ll like this. So without further delay, here is my interview with Laura Fuentes.

Laura, welcome back to the show.

Laura Fuentes 2:17
Yeah, I’m so excited to be here, part two.

Jillian Leslie 2:20
Part two. So I have to explain this, we recorded an entire episode where you interviewed me about MiloTree Easy Payments and how it works.

And we, David and I are in the background making changes and thinking about our strategy. And how best to serve online entrepreneurs.

And I realized that the podcast just didn’t align with how we’re thinking about our product now. So you and I are friends, and we got on a call.

And we like to give each other business like coaching, because you get to see my business from the outside, and I get to see your business from the outside. And by the way, I recommend having a friend like that, because it’s invaluable.

And we’re talking about MiloTree Easy Payments. And I was saying we’re creating this way for creators to monetize directly from their audiences. And we’re making it super easy. And I’m talking about that.

And you said something that I thought was brilliant, you said, “Wait a second, one thing you’re not addressing,” and I wrote it down, “helping your audience overcome their negative self-talk.”

Before they even can think about putting together a one hour-paid workshop. There’s another barrier, it’s not just like, you just set this up in 10 minutes, it’s maybe I don’t really have something of value to teach, because maybe I’m not valuable.

Laura Fuentes 3:53
Or maybe they have the idea. But they are unsure that their audience will pay or it’s worth the price. It’s not about the product, it’s about the value their perceived value on their knowledge, because sometimes we assume that I already know how to do this.

Because it comes easy to us that someone else may or may not pay for that even though we could package it in a pretty eBook or product or a session.

I had said to Jillian like, “Jillian you’re making the assumption that your online entrepreneurs are ready to sell their product.” And yes, your product makes it so much easier to get started literally in 10 minutes.

Because before we recorded our first podcast you walked me through and we had a product ready to go in 10 minutes. And I was like wow, this is so beneficial. And then when I ask you why don’t you publish it.

You’re like ah, I’m like well you’re making the assumption that they know that they can do something or they’re ready. But today, like you said, we want to talk about the entrepreneur who has the idea, or is iffy about the idea, but is unsure if it will do well.

Why You Need a Business Buddy to Give you Feedback

Jillian Leslie 5:11
And I’m going to go one step further. And say that it’s not even is my knowledge valuable. Am I valuable? And the thing that I always think is so interesting about us as humans, people will give me this feedback and be like, “Jillian, you’re so wise.”

And I’m like, “Yeah, it’s so easy, though, to see it in your life. It’s so much harder to see it in my own life.”

And that’s why again, Laura, it’s so good that we’re friends and that, we can be totally honest with each other, and give each other this feedback, because we don’t see our own special sauce.

Even before we press record right now, we were talking about your business. And I’m like write this down. This is your special sauce that I see. But because you’re on the inside, you’re like, “Yeah, but doesn’t everybody know this?” And that’s what I do as well.

And it’s like, like going to the people you love and saying, “What is my special sauce? What do I do?” So, for my podcast.

Laura Fuentes 6:18
It could be simpler than that is just to say, hey, could you tell me three things that when you look at my business, or when you look at my blog, or when you look at what I do online?

Can you tell me three things that I do well? That you look at and we’re like, wow, she does this really well.

And it’s not that you’re fishing for compliments, you need to overcome that. It’s about getting feedback, that not only does it build your self-esteem about your capabilities. But it’s what do people perceive, of me of what I put out there.

And you’re not asking what can I improve? You’re not asking for feedback on the negative things or where your holes are your things to fix. You’re asking for feedback, that creates a positive feedback loop.

But it’s also so you can do more of that. Like, oh, well, you do this really well. You do X, Y and Z. And that is just as beneficial as asking for what can I fix in my blog or what can I fix in my business.

Jillian Leslie 7:19
Yes, I think that’s because I do think we discount the things we do effortlessly. And we think because I know it everybody knows this.

Laura Fuentes 7:32
But the thing is that things that we do effortlessly. They weren’t effortless at the beginning.

Jillian Leslie 7:37
But we forget.

Laura Fuentes 7:39
Correct because our journey is further on the road. And usually, as an intrapreneur, we try to package up the things that we do effortlessly, because it’s been a journey for us.

And we want to teach someone else how to maybe not take us along in the journey, maybe to take it easier. Like how to build a blog. And here are the 10 mistakes I made.

And so I’m going to teach you how to do it. So you can grow it faster or without the mistakes. Like we’re sort of teaching people from experience.

Why You Need to Put Yourself Out There as a Creator

Jillian Leslie 8:09
Exactly. I love that, which is if you can put the hat on of helper, where you knew how hard this was. And if you can make somebody else’s path a little bit easier. I would argue that you need to try doing that. Because what else are we here for?

Laura Fuentes 8:31
Isn’t that how we connect with our audience by sharing not only our journey, but the things that how we can help them. Whether it’s through content or blog, but we sometimes as women, and I’m speaking as a woman.

My husband has a problem with this too, but generally speaking women we have a big problem like sounding salesy. And so that’s another thing that adds to our I’m being very salesy, or are they going to think I’m just trying to sell them on this?

But isn’t that what go into the grocery store is like they’re trying to sell us food, like the end caps of an aisle, a brand paid to put their product on the end cap. So they’re trying to sell you that brand versus whatever else is in the middle of the aisle. It’s no different.

Jillian Leslie 9:16
Totally, but I would say this one, do you believe in what you’re selling? Do you believe you can help somebody? If you can help one person isn’t that worth it?

And two, the people have this disconnect, like I put my heart and soul let’s say into this course because I want to help people. But then I don’t want to, be seen as “salesy,” even though I know this course can help you.

I say to people, I was just coaching somebody who is launching her first paid workshop, and I said to her, please be salesy. Be overly salesy because I know you and I know your version of overly salesy is probably at the right level of getting sales.

Like you couldn’t be annoying. You couldn’t be overly pushy. In fact, your nature is to be like, well, “I’m putting this out there, but don’t think you have to buy it.”

I’m going to put it at the bottom of a blog post. Like, oh, by the way, I don’t mean to put pressure on you, but hey, you should check this out, but you don’t have to.

So I said to her, get to the point where you feel uncomfortable, where you feel like oh my God, all I’m doing is selling. And this is really awful. And my audience is going to turn on me. Get there because your version of that is so far from you being salesy.

Risk Sounding “Salesy” to Get Sales

Laura Fuentes 10:47
Right. Plus, people consume so much information, so much content online, that you literally do have to get to that point where you sound salesy to yourself, for people to just hear like, alright, like, you’re just talking about that. You’re like, register.

Jillian Leslie 11:04
To rise above the noise.

Laura Fuentes 11:07
Yes, yes. And that’s something that again, goes with this self-esteem, self-worth situation. This is an example I give to the moms in my community. Sometimes I look at 20-something today, college students today.

And I’m like, wow, they really walk around with a different type of confidence. And when I was 20-something. And then I feel like in my late 20s, I sort of found my confidence, but I also became a mom.

And then through motherhood, which is we were talking about this before. It’s almost like, because there’s no workbook, and I could read all the books and all this stuff. But no one tells me that I was doing a good job as a mom.

Jillian Leslie 11:51

Laura Fuentes 11:52
In life, unless you hire a coach, you don’t have that feedback loop. Coaching is so beneficial for people who are sort of stuck. Sometimes we need that person on the outside.

But I look at the moms in my community. And I’m like, guys, you’re buying food, you’re making meals, you’re doing a good job. And I wish I could get a microphone and say it louder for the people in the back over there.

We praise our children all the time where we tell them when they’re doing a good job. We want to encourage them, because we want them to get their right to recognize their capabilities.

But it’s almost like, once we get older and we’re on our own nobody tells us those things. That’s my thing going back to your question.

It’s really important to ask the people that you trust, to say, “Hey, can you tell me a couple of things when you look at what I’m doing online that you feel like I’m doing well?”

Laura Fuentes

Jillian Leslie 12:51
Yes. And in fact, I’m going to put myself I want to say I’m available, email me at jillian@milotree.com. I’ll get on a call with you. And probably pretty quickly, I can find your special sauce.

Laura Fuentes 13:03
She really can.

Jillian Leslie 13:04
I can tell you the things that you don’t see about your own business. And again, I’m no magical person. I can’t necessarily see it in my own business. Because I’m inside me. So I know the things.

Because if it comes effortlessly to me, then I’m not necessarily going wow, that is so valuable. It’s usually looking out into the world and seeing things that other people are doing that I can’t do or I’m not as successful.

And then I feel inadequate. And I feel bad about myself. And I don’t necessarily stop and go oh my god. It’s a little bit like social media followers. Okay, MOMables. How many followers do you have on Instagram? Do you know?

Laura Fuentes 13:48
Like, 56,000.

Jillian Leslie 13:51
Okay, that’s super impressive. But tell me you have not looked at an account like a food account that has over 100,000 followers and gone, “Oh my God, we’re so slacking.”

Why We All Feel Like We Don’t Measure Up

Laura Fuentes 14:04
I take it a step further. My daughter who has like 600, she has a private account, she’s a teenager has like 600 friends on Instagram, she posts a picture and gets like 90% engagement rate. All the comments, all the likes all that stuff in May.

So I’m second guessing if it’s not a good post. If it’s not a good recipe. Why aren’t people liking it? Why aren’t they commenting? I’m like, they’re freaking saving it for later. What is happening.

Have I not been doing a good job of building a relationship? And then talk myself down from the ledge and go, you know what? I cannot analyze my business with what I’m doing compared to what other people are doing.

And honestly, Instagram is not my strength. And I don’t really care. And I’m only really on there because brands care there, I said it. Because to me Instagram is like window shopping.

Now, I have an email list and you and I have met and you guys should check out if email is your thing and you are part of window shopping, you should check out Jillian’s podcast on Email List Building that we’ve done together.

The one on YouTube that was really good.

Jillian Leslie 15:15
Yes. And I’ll link to that.

Laura Fuentes 15:17
And now those are my people, they open my emails, they buy products from me, they give me feedback, they tell me what I need to improve. They tell me when I was helpful.

That is the people without asking will tell me what I’m doing great, what I’m doing well, and they’ll also tell me how I can improve. Because it’s a different relationship.

So, in the last 10 years, I’ve come very accustomed to building those types of relationships, where I elevate my audience and how they feel about their efforts in the kitchen.

Through my emails that I’ve noticed that I’m not able to do on Instagram, because it’s not my strength. It may be somebody else’s strength. And that’s the type of community they’ve built. But that’s not what I have built there.

And so I’m going to do obviously, more of what builds my business what builds my mood about my work when I get that positive feedback. And today, we need to get back on topic.

We want to talk about how you the listener can overcome those things of self-doubt. Just like looking at your Instagram metrics, and going like, but are they going to buy from me? Should I even do this product?

We know that MiloTree Easy Pay will get you in 10 minutes. Start it.

Jillian Leslie 16:48

Laura Fuentes 16:48
We know this. So you have the tools, you’ve already looked at all the things that you need to get started, you may even have an idea or a product, maybe that thing is already ready, and you just haven’t launched it.

Think About What You Do Effortlessly and Lean into That!

Jillian Leslie 17:00
So I would say, think about the thing that you do effortlessly that you discount about yourself. For example, maybe you’re really good at getting your family out the door in the morning to school.

And you have systems set up that are amazing. But you don’t even know that because guess what? You get your kids out the door in the morning without fighting. Is that something that you go well, yeah, but everybody knows this.

Everybody knows to put your clothes out the night before and get the lunches, whatever it is. But is that something though, where you could help somebody with something as simple as that?

Because for you, it’s like da, all you have to do is go to YouTube, watch YouTube, you’ll see people who have systems in place, how can I be different? Well, the truth is, you are different. Because you’re you and you’ve got you thing.

Laura Fuentes 17:53
And so there’s something about every person Jill, like, maybe they have a house that’s full of green plants. We use food because I’m in the world of food. And there’s a lot of food bloggers in your audience.

Maybe there’s somebody that gardens, and they have a house full of green plants. I haven’t had many plants in a decade because I literally killed them. And my thing this Christmas was all I wanted for this holiday was plants.

I had my mother-in-law gifted me plants, my mom like everyone. And so now my thing is, I’m going to keep these guys alive.

I’m going to learn what they need, not what the little tag in the plant says, because we all have bought plants followed the tag and they’ve died.

But I would pay someone to spend 30 minutes a couple of times once a month or so to check in and go, let’s Zoom or let’s FaceTime and see how your plants are doing. Show me your plants. What are you struggling with?

I’m like, this one’s got yellow leaves. I don’t know. But the one next to it doesn’t. Maybe plants are your magic sauce. But you’re like, I just watered them I do this. I’m like, yes, but don’t discount that.

I think that is something that I would pay for. Something people would pay for.

Can You Offer Coaching to Your Community?

Jillian Leslie 19:10
Completely. So here’s the thing, you go well, but you could go to YouTube, and you can see this. But one thing that we’re rolling out with MiloTree Easy Payments is an easy way for people to book one-on-one coaching calls with you.

So for example, it’s a big difference between let’s say you’ve got your plant and by the way, I’m attached to my plants too, and I’m not that good with them.

But now I’ve got my friend here. My girl is going to hook me up that I’m willing to pay $30 let’s say to get on a call with her and show her my plants and that I know she’s got my back and that she’s going to help me.

And it’s not like I have to go through a bunch of blog posts or videos to find the solution to my yellow leaves. But she looks at my plants and goes, “Oh, here’s whatever you need to do to fix your plants situation.”

So don’t discount that somebody wouldn’t want to get on a Zoom call with you. And you get to meet the expert.

Laura Fuentes 20:09
This is like, you give me a lightbulb moment before we hit record with that. And I was like, wait a minute, I don’t have to have this whole written plan and takeaways like we’re so used to the tangibles that we forget that.

When I go to therapy, I pay a lot for the hour, and I don’t get anything tangible.

Jillian Leslie 20:28
Right. She’s not giving you a PDF.

Laura Fuentes 20:31

Jillian Leslie 20:31
No work sheet. No checklist.

Laura Fuentes 20:34
All those years, I was like, wait, there’s no checklist. There is no PDF, and then I’m on my own. That’s even scarier. So, maybe you’re the friend that literally you have like a closet blog, a style and you’re really reliant on affiliate income and all this stuff.

And you’re like, but I really want to expand. And I’m like, if you are the friend that tells someone, hey, don’t buy those jeans, they really are not your style. People would pay for that. But I get told that all the time, like, wow, I want to go shopping with you.

I’m like, don’t buy those. Not because you’re fat. I’m not discounting your appearance. I do this to my teenage daughter, I’m like that style is not for you, you’re going to wear it a couple of times, and that’s going to end up in the goodwill pile.

Or maybe help people go through their closet. The thing is that I think we can put a price on the tangible, but putting a price on the non-tangibles or basically how we can “perform.” And I said this in air quotes.

In a conversation like this, we’re like, but what’s the price of that? And that’s where I was hung up for last week. Since our text messaging, I was hung up in the what is the tangible? What am I going to give my audience in exchange?

And I forgot that the exchange is a relationship that they get to build with me and that positive feedback loop to tell them. You know what? You’re doing a really great job.

Jillian Leslie 22:10

Laura Fuentes 22:11
You made three meals last week. I don’t care that you didn’t follow the plan. So what oh, you bought chicken? You never cooked it. Don’t forget to freeze it.

Jillian Leslie 22:21
Yes, yes, yes. So we all need that. It’s like we all need somebody in our corner. And if you can be that person to somebody else, they will pay you for it, they will love you for it.

And again, I go back to what else are we here for except to make ourselves find the easiest path for ourselves and find the easiest path for others. So let’s say you come up with this idea.

And you’re like, Okay, I’m going to be the jeans person who tells you if these jeans look good, and you go, I’m going to put together let’s say, coaching, where I’m going to get on calls with people and I’m going to sell it as jeans.

I’m going to help you find the right jeans. Well, nobody buys it. It’s alright. Maybe though, there’s another way to think about this, which is okay, I’m going to do a one-on-one call where you’re going to show me your closet.

And I’m going to go through your stuff. And we’re going to kind of Marie Kondo it and go, do you love this, go put this on, let me look at it. How do you feel in this? Put on your favorite outfit. Let’s talk about what you like about this.

Who knows? You got to kind of find that idea of product market fit. I’m offering something that people want. So it doesn’t mean necessarily the first thing you put out there it’s going to click.

But you’re going to do that you’re going to see okay, this didn’t click but what if I switched it a little bit? What if I was the plant lady, but instead of indoor plants, we talked about outdoor plants.

Laura Fuentes 24:01
I’ll definitely pay for that.

Jillian Leslie 24:03
This is where you start getting into conversation with people to say, what do you want from me? So I would say this if we step back, first thing is, what is your special sauce that chances are you’re overlooking?

How Do You Tell Yourself You’re Worth It?

Two, how do you tell yourself you’re worth this? And I think too as mothers because we give and give and give. My daughter is not applauding me. I always say this like when she was little and I brought the best snacks for her.

Because I got like the more organic Cheddar Bunnies. She wasn’t applauding me, the other mothers at the park are not applauding me. So, we’re so used to giving and it’s hard for us then to go wait a second.

I should get paid for this not from my daughter, but just that idea of like, wait, what I have is really valuable. I should be paid for this.

So again, identify what you’re good at, identify how you could potentially package it. How you could make somebody’s life better. Recognize you are worth this. Recognize then you’re going to build an easy product coaching a workshop something.

Again, where you don’t have to have the PDF, but that you’re going to connect with somebody and make their path a little bit easier. Put it out there, see if it’s the jeans, see if it’s the closet redo, the wardrobe, whatever it is, and get flexible, and get building.

Laura Fuentes 25:31
Yeah, I think we’re just so afraid. You see this online all the time, just get started. Or like Nikes logo, “Just Do It”. And that’s easier said than done when you have all these voices and it’s really noisy in your head, to actually do it or to actually get started.

So recognizing when those things are happening is really important. Because it’s not about getting up in the morning and having that perfect morning routine. And the affirmations are about recognizing when you’re in a funk.

And you need to just take a step back and go, “Hey, I’m really great at something. Today, I can do this for somebody else.” Sometimes it’s hard to get started, because we are so afraid of the outcome, or we can’t actually see the outcome.

Advice: Go Figure It Out as You Go

I told you this last week. But Jillian, I really need to see the vision. So I can work it backwards and create a way to sell it. And you’re like, ” Just figure it out as you go.”

And I was like, “Oh my gosh, isn’t that how I started 10 years ago, before all the information on the web, I figured it out as I went.”

Jillian Leslie 26:40
I love that. How do you deal with the negative self-talk?

Laura Fuentes 26:48
So I have these things, from time-to-time the negative self-talk it’s usually performance driven. So I literally actively remind myself, the very thing I told you at the beginning is to go out. There are people out there, what it is that you do well.

And I can recognize now when those conversations are happening. And yes, it’s difficult to mute them out. But it takes for me to actively remind myself wait, even maybe you have to write on a Post- it, “I’m great at these things.”

This job involves the following things and I did them well. How it performs, sometimes it’s outside of our control, we are not measured based on our performance of something.

It’s like all these companies that had product launches, and then the pandemic happened. Sometimes there are things outside of our control, that truly no matter the effort, no matter the value, they skew performance.

And so that’s when I go back and go okay, wait, what can I improve? But I did all these things right. Maybe the timing wasn’t right, oh, maybe I need to tweak this.

And that’s where asking for help or now I’m so much more open to asking my husband for help my kids for help getting other people involved, so that the pressure is not all on me. We put so much pressure on ourselves.

And a lot of eliminating the self-talk comes with eliminating the pressure to do well the pressure to perform the anticipation of something. And just like detaching ourselves from that emotion from the performance or from the expectation.

Jillian Leslie 28:36
And the outcome.

Laura Fuentes 28:36
That’s what I do many days. And the outcome.

Jillian Leslie 28:38
I love that. I just want to say if you are thinking about this, if this is kind of sparking something, for you reach out to me for free, I will get on a call with you. I want to help everybody find ways to get connected to their audiences to sell directly.

Ready there’s the word sell directly to your audience because you can make their lives better. So Laura, if somebody wants to get in touch with you to hear what you’re doing I know you are launching new stuff. How can they do it? What’s the best way?

Laura Fuentes 29:15
So you can email me laura@momables.com. I think this is the first time I’ve ever given out my email on a podcast, even though it’s accessible but you know I want to eliminate that barrier that people think that oh, but she’s this and she’s that, she’s doing this.

It’s like no, if it could give up my phone number I would. Just message me on Instagram either @Momables or my personal @laurasfuentes. This is what Jillian and I do. We have each other and we rely on people to uplift our efforts.

And I honestly think the first step for everyone here is to find that person that will help them see the good and after that it makes it easier to get started. So reach out to me @momables or @laurasfuentes. And I’m also here for you.

Jillian Leslie 30:04
Well, Laura, thank you. I know this will not be your last you will be back again to do this. So thank you so much for coming back on the show.

Laura Fuentes 30:12
Thank you for having me, Jillian,

Jillian Leslie 30:14
If you deal with a lot of self-doubt, or negative thoughts, I hope this episode gave you a little bit of grace made you feel a little less alone. Because I think we all struggle with this.

And my hunch is you probably have something to teach. The easiest way to package your knowledge as a product is to set up a paid workshop, head to milotree.com/challenge.

And I will send you five days worth of emails with tiny tasks and you can set this up lickety split. And remember, it’s all free. We don’t make money until you start making money.

But this way, you get a free sales page, put it out in front of your people see what they think. Ask them what they want from you, and start creating a way to monetize directly from your audience.

If you have any questions, reach out to me at jillian@milotree.com I love hearing from you. I hope you know how invested in your success I am. just go do it. And I will see you here again next week.

Other Blogger Genius Podcast episodes to listen to:

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